Missing

Mood: Forsaken
Music: Missing by Evanesence

I actually got back into drawing today. It's been a long time since I bothered to pick up a pencil and even longer since I felt something about what I created. Here's the drawing : Isn't Something Missing?

Why did I bother drawing and blogging today, even though I feel as exausted and forlorn as I do almost every day now? Because I heard the new Evanescence songs Missing and Breathe No More of course. Evanescence's songs always have a way of invoking such misery and pain within my soul yet I'm addicted to them. I can't stop listning to them. They beckon me to fix things. To do more than hang my head in shame. Yet there are somethings I can't fix and those are the things Evanecence songs seem to point out to me. They seem to especially point out the current state of my relationship with my family and my childhood.

My Immortal always seems to remind me of the person my mother was and how even though I tried to be close to her I never really could. She always kept a guarded distance from me which she blamed on me in recent years. Funny how she only noticed it during the past 6 years. I've noticed it all my life.

But Missing seems to strike out into darker territory. It doesn't stay in the past. The past is safe. It's done and over with. I tend not to be to guilty about the past. No it's the present and the lack of options it presents me with that haunts me. It's the fact that I can't seem to do anything about it that bothers me. I could call her. I could call my Grandparents, but unless they want to solve the problem, only if they *want* to reconcile, can anything be done about it. I know it takes one to break of a relationship, and they say it takes two to fight, but it also seems to take two to fix a relationship. I can't do it by myself.

But you people don't want to hear me blather on. Evanescence seems to do a better job of expressing things than I do. Here are the lyrics that inspired the drawing:

Missing by Evanescence

"Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
Isn't something missing?

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?


Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
Shudder deep and cry out:
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?"