"You Still...hang on me..."

Mood: Alienated
Music: My Immortal by Evanescence

Lovely, Christmas (and Yule) went by and my family decided to keep it's stance. I'm still exiled. I don't know what I was expecting. My mother isn't exactly a sentimental woman, and holidays mean little more than extra annoyances to her, but I was hoping that someone in my family would come to their senses.

I mean what have I done that is so wrong. Mother has done much worse ( and unmentionable, even on an anonymous blog) but *I* exiled and she's the "good little girl"? What's up with that. All I did was elope. Plenty of people elope. I mean the heck with tradition, it's not like the *bride's* family would help us pay for a big white wedding. I mean I even hinted ("Maybe we'll get married in Hawaii ..") and Little Miss Penny Pincher thought I would pay for the whole thing? Heck she won't even spring for soft drinks when we go out for lunch and she expects me to drag her behind to Hawaii? I don't think so. Not on my dime.

I mean is it so far fetched to think that maybe I could elope and still have a family. I mean Shaggy's the only boy in the family and they didn't exile him, why do I have to be stuck with the psychos? And why the hell do I still want them? With the exception of Princess Jr and Velcro Boy (my two youngest siblings) all the lot of them have done nothing but put me down and put me out all my life. But for some stupid reason I still want them in my life. I mean it's not like I'll get an ounce of praise, a gram of recognition, or a grain of love.

All they'll do is use me for a spy and an "upper" till I've out lived their purposes, then they'll find some other convenient reason to hate me. Especially since I've been in contact with my Dad. All my Mother would want to know from me is where he is and how much money he has. I may not be close with him, but everybody needs their chance at peace. And if she left him alone, maybe, just maybe he could change into the father that I and my siblings need, but with that hound after him he doesn't have a chance.

I hope she reads this. I hope she snoops into Princess Jr's mail, or wander onto the site Princess Jr *asked* me to make. I hope her treachery leads her here. I want her to know how I "turned out" and how mark my words all her children will turn out.

I wish I had the courage to say these things aloud. Then maybe I could call Grandma for that one sided conversation she wants me to call her for, and prove to her and myself that my mother is lying about me and my intentions. But instead I sit here and feel inferior and helpless and rant on my blog again because I feel safe here behind the rebellious mask of Sabriel MoonStar. Instead of being the rebellious beauty I wish I was, instead I will trot along the outskirts of my family like a stray dog and beg for the few scraps I will be given. I will sit here and listen to depressing music and rant on my blog that nobody reads. Well here's some lyrics I think about all the time. They are far more pleasant then my ranting.

"I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble,
I understand if you can't talk to me again"

White Flag, by Dido, from the Album life for rent.

I hope my next post is less ranty.

Happy Yule

Mood: Walked all over (I have a guinea pigin my hood ^^')
Music: None

Wow, I haven't posted in forever. I convinced Shaggy to get me a guinea pig. Not to replace Yue (I could never replace Yue) but more to keep me company when Shaggy works late. My cats can be so aloof and they are very independant so it's quite a change to take care of a guinea pig, since they need so much attention. But she seems lonely so we may get her a friend after she has settled in. I named her Sakura, in honour of Yue (same series) If I get her a friend I will probably name her Tomoyo, I like to keep names in the same series (and the name is so cute ^^')

Well the more settled Sakura gets the more I will probably post ^^' Till then I will probably be slaving over my little piggie.

Aluminum

Mood: Wistful
Music: Aluminum by BnL

Funny how things happen. Shaggy was listning to his iTunes library (almost all BnL, Weird Al, and .hack music) when he exclaimed "Hey, this song is all about Aluminum! All the descriptions fit!" I then replied : "It's a metaphor dear. It's not about aluminum it's about a person who is like aluminum." Then I thought, heard a bit more of the song, and added "Like my mother."

Then I actually picked up the cd notes and read the lyrics. It *did* describe someone like my mother.

My mother is very self centred and superficial person. For some reason when my art teacher used to say something was "contrived" I would think of my mother. She has high moral ideals for others, but not herself. And everything comes down to looks. Everything. I have never seen someone take so much time on thier apperence on a daily basis. And it really bothers me. I mean I she would look so much prettier if she took a more natural approach. Fuschia pink lipstick and two tonnes of make up take away from her natural beauty. The mother I *remember* when I was young was very pretty, what she has become makes me sad.

Well anyway, here's the bit of the lyrics that made me think of all this wistful mush:

"You're so lightweight, how can you survive
Recycling moments from other's lives?
You're not as precious as you contrive.

Aluminum to me
Aluminium to some
You can shine like silver all you want
But you're just aluminum"

The song Aluminum can be found on the Barenaked Ladies album Everything to Everyone

In memeory of Yue the liitle red fish

Mood: Mournful
Music: None

My poor little fishy died. I woke up this morning and after tending to the cats (they tend to wake me up) I walked on over to poor little Yue's tank and he wasn't moving anymore.

My first post was about Yue. If you take a look at it you can see him when he was pretty and very much alive.

That's the third fish I killed now. The lady at the pet store said that they were impossible to kill. I guess I'm just not a fish person.

I think I'll stick to mammals from now on. They seem to be hardier and easier to take care of. I'm thinking I would have better luck with a Guinea Pig. Now I just gotta convince Shaggy to let me get one (he wants another fish).

White Flag Part II

Mood: Empty
Music: White Flag by Dido

I am so tired. I have spent the day hitting my head against a wall. The new guy is so dense.

I mean how many ways can I describe the same room. I gave him the official name, the slang name and several descriptions (like: "It looks like this room.", "At the back of the shop.", "The room with the big machine that is about the size of, oh, an elephant!")

Then I showed him the room and he still asked what the hell it was.

Then it took me 20 minutes to explain what dry ice was. Last time I checked carbon dioxide was the same in most languauges and all the other people I know from the Middle East know all the elements in English.

But I'm too tired to go into details. But all I have to say is it's day 4 of his training and I still think we're doomed.

Oh and did I mention, the preaching has started. Now he preaches Muslim retoric to me throughout the day. He looked like he was going to die when I said the human digestive system was not designed to digest meat. Now I get it from street corner bible thumpers and my co workers. Oh to be Pagan in Canada.

White Flag

Mood: Very Weary
Music: White Flag by Dido

Things seem to be getting bleaker.

Work, once my sorce of some joy (love the job, wonder about the mental state of some of my co-workers *cough* hr person *cough*) seems to be getting odder by the day.

I mean, a little while ago Shaggy went and landed himself a position our company's new building. But that's ok. That settled down after a while, after a round of my usual stress induced stomach pains, a couple Big Macs ,many presents from Shaggy and his assurance that he will do anything and everything to move me to the new building too.

Well that didn't quite work. My boss insisted that there were no QA positions availiable at the new building. That was two weeks ago, but low and behold, Monday morning we have a new QA for the new building.

And that's ok too. My boss was nice about it and seemed to know in advance that it would upset me, so he was extra extra nice to me. And it's my boss, and I like my boss alot. He has done alot for me, so I didn't mind too much.

Then I got to know the guy.

I mean I'm sure he made a nice computer programmer, but he is definatly not QA material. He doesn't seem to have the ability to enforce rules that he doesn't understand or agree with (which is about 1/4 of them) and I have a hard time getting him to follow the rules. The very first thing my boss taught me was that if I don't follow the rules I have no chance in hell of getting anybody else to. So what's he gonna do when I'm not in the new building babysitting him?

Then there is his really slow learning time. He hasn't even learned all of the stuff for this building (he says he knows it, but when he does things I can tell he skipped things, or didn't quite do them right. He can't find things that he is supposed to check --') and they expect him to learn both jobs damn skippy? (he's supposed to be able to work in both the buildings) Yeah right, he'll learn it all, by the time hell freezes over.

That and he's already abusing his position. After I dismiss him for the evening he tries to hang around for 15 minutes (go to the bathroom, talk to people) then punch out. Both Shaggy and I have caught him in the act and reemed him out about it.

To boot my boss thinks he smells and won't be in the same room with him if he doesn't have to be.

Oh, did I mention he was a half an hour late today?

To my boss' credit I should say that my boss did not pick him for the job. The sexist plant manager picked him up off the floor. And it was out inventory guy who got him the job here. (I mean how many people land a QA job thier first month in the country. He had help there. Oh, did I mention his English is sub par and he had no health insurance as of yet?)

To boot, the plant manager insists that he is not getting that job and I am on the employee roll for the new building and got the same initial training everyone else who is getting trained got.

Confusing ne? It gets worse.

The plant manager never acted as if I existed before. Now he says good morning and looks me in the eye. Shaggy thinks he wants me in the new building but my boss doesn't want to be stuck with the new guy.

Oh and I forgot to mention the new guys clingy wife who works with us (another deptarment) who sulks and gives me dirty looks if I keep him past 4:15pm. And the fact that someone calls him on his cell phone everyday at that time and he runs off and takes 5 minutes (of paid time) to answer the call.

We're doomed.

PS: Shaggy gave this url to the chicken room manager (Shaggy and I both really get along with him. He is a really easy going, nice guy :D) and his pack of brother-in-laws that work with us. I hope he doesn't find my view of where we work too disturbing. Hello chicken room manager and family! [Sabriel waves]

Someday, somehow...

Mood: weary
Music: None (Shaggy is watching tv)

My family has officially dissapointed me.

I knew that my mother was mad at me for stupid reasons, and probably spreading lies about me, but I didn't think my Grandparents would buy into it. But then again it is easier than telling her she is wrong.

Three things bug me the most:

1) The kids don't want to talk to me: Umm wasn't it Princess Jr (my sister) who *asked* me to build and host her Neopets guild and become part of the guild AND the council. She also responds to all my neo-mails. Someone please tell me if I am mistaken and it sounds like she hates my guts.

2) That *I* turned against my mother: Correct me if I am wrong again, but when someone calls you, yells at you, calls you names, gets you more angry and upset than you have ever been in your life, and then when you defend your position she says she will never speak to you again, *they* are turning agaist *you*. But hey I have been wrong before ,so someone please correct me if I am wrong.

3) They called Muse a liar: Funny when she says something unsavoury about Shaggy's family she is a palliar of truth, but when she says something unsavoury about my family she's lair. Sounds kinda fishy to me.

I mean sure, Shaggy and I eloped, and some people were dissapointed, but no one but my mother and Grandparents stopped speaking to us and spreading lies,so we can't be that horrible.

Some say blood is thicker than water. I say sure it is. So thick it will drown you.