"You Still...hang on me..."

Mood: Alienated
Music: My Immortal by Evanescence

Lovely, Christmas (and Yule) went by and my family decided to keep it's stance. I'm still exiled. I don't know what I was expecting. My mother isn't exactly a sentimental woman, and holidays mean little more than extra annoyances to her, but I was hoping that someone in my family would come to their senses.

I mean what have I done that is so wrong. Mother has done much worse ( and unmentionable, even on an anonymous blog) but *I* exiled and she's the "good little girl"? What's up with that. All I did was elope. Plenty of people elope. I mean the heck with tradition, it's not like the *bride's* family would help us pay for a big white wedding. I mean I even hinted ("Maybe we'll get married in Hawaii ..") and Little Miss Penny Pincher thought I would pay for the whole thing? Heck she won't even spring for soft drinks when we go out for lunch and she expects me to drag her behind to Hawaii? I don't think so. Not on my dime.

I mean is it so far fetched to think that maybe I could elope and still have a family. I mean Shaggy's the only boy in the family and they didn't exile him, why do I have to be stuck with the psychos? And why the hell do I still want them? With the exception of Princess Jr and Velcro Boy (my two youngest siblings) all the lot of them have done nothing but put me down and put me out all my life. But for some stupid reason I still want them in my life. I mean it's not like I'll get an ounce of praise, a gram of recognition, or a grain of love.

All they'll do is use me for a spy and an "upper" till I've out lived their purposes, then they'll find some other convenient reason to hate me. Especially since I've been in contact with my Dad. All my Mother would want to know from me is where he is and how much money he has. I may not be close with him, but everybody needs their chance at peace. And if she left him alone, maybe, just maybe he could change into the father that I and my siblings need, but with that hound after him he doesn't have a chance.

I hope she reads this. I hope she snoops into Princess Jr's mail, or wander onto the site Princess Jr *asked* me to make. I hope her treachery leads her here. I want her to know how I "turned out" and how mark my words all her children will turn out.

I wish I had the courage to say these things aloud. Then maybe I could call Grandma for that one sided conversation she wants me to call her for, and prove to her and myself that my mother is lying about me and my intentions. But instead I sit here and feel inferior and helpless and rant on my blog again because I feel safe here behind the rebellious mask of Sabriel MoonStar. Instead of being the rebellious beauty I wish I was, instead I will trot along the outskirts of my family like a stray dog and beg for the few scraps I will be given. I will sit here and listen to depressing music and rant on my blog that nobody reads. Well here's some lyrics I think about all the time. They are far more pleasant then my ranting.

"I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble,
I understand if you can't talk to me again"

White Flag, by Dido, from the Album life for rent.

I hope my next post is less ranty.